Truth, by Omission Read online

  Copyright © 2019 by Daniel Beamish

  E-book published in 2019 by Blackstone Publishing

  Cover and book design by Sean M. Thomas

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion

  thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner

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  of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations

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  The characters and events in this book are fictitious.

  Any similarity to real persons, living or dead,

  is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Trade e-book ISBN 978-1-9825-4476-8

  Library e-book ISBN 978-1-9825-4475-1

  Fiction / Literary

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  CIP data for this book is available

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  The End of the Beginning

  Iwas one month shy of my eighth birthday when I first saw one person kill another; nine when I first committed the same atrocity—my misconceived and futile attempt at justice. I have since learned that one depravity can never excuse another. I’ve also come to know that the hand we are dealt in life can still be played many ways: that the ledger of eternal fate is not preordained, and that each act of human kindness can indeed make a difference.

  Me

  It was a daily ritual for Auntie Nyaka and me to walk the path from our home through the lush jungle, making noise and song as much for our own play and amusement as to let the creatures of the river know that we were approaching. We villagers lived in a symbiotic relationship of respect with the hippos and crocodiles that also used the waterway and none of us wanted to tip the precious balance, fine-tuned over many generations. We each kept our distance and tried not to surprise the other, us out of fear of being devoured, the beasts trying to avoid slaughter.

  The length of the path itself was part of the détente. Our homes were built far enough from the water that the creatures would not venture the distance and take us unawares. The daily treks to the river involved the older boys swinging their machetes to keep the path clear. If this was not done regularly the way would be lost to the jungle in a matter of weeks. Uncle Dzigbote would jest and tell me often that the only thing growing faster than the jungle was me. At seven I was as big as some of the older boys, and Auntie Nyaka even referred to me as her “little man.” And as predictably as the day would dawn, on every river trek I bemoaned not yet being given my own machete. But Uncle Dzigbote knew too well the dangers of the weighty blades.

  The machetes served a second purpose: to lop off the heads of the mambas, vipers, and adders that camouflaged themselves so well in the trees and on the ground, and even in the water. There was no truce possible with the snakes. We feared and hated them, and I suspect they felt the same for us. When we could avoid each other we would, but if either of us got the chance we would kill the other, us with our machetes and them with their needle teeth.

  So, when Auntie Nyaka and I—neither of us wielders of a machete—walked the path alone we had to be especially loud and vigilant. We usually sang the songs that Auntie’s mother had taught her. Those were the ones that I liked, the ones that made me laugh and her smile. Sometimes she would sing the songs that the white Christ-men had taught her, but those didn’t make me happy. They were not the joyous songs of our people. They were sad songs, songs of subservience.

  The last time Auntie Nyaka and I walked the path to where it met the bank of the river, I charged down the dirt and log steps while Auntie descended them gracefully. These were the steps which the men of the village had to repound into the mud walls after each wet season finished and the level of the river dropped a good eight feet. I stripped off my blue shorts with the three white stripes down the side, the full extent of my wardrobe, and threw them ahead to the foot of the bank. They had arrived in a bundle, brought by the Christ-men and picked through by the children of the village. From the debris at the river’s edge I plucked as large a piece of driftwood as I could swing and beat the surface of the water until Auntie made it down the steps. Once reasonably sure that there were no hippos or crocs lurking in the silty brown water, I slid down the submersed edge of the bank until I floated free of the bottom.

  Auntie Nyaka unwound the single bolt of multicolored cloth that packaged her so elegantly and tossed it over the branches the village women had erected for drying laundry. I paid no attention to her nakedness as she plunged into the water with me. As always, she tired of water play before I did and went to the bank to fetch my small shorts and her long cloth. Squatting at the water’s edge she immersed and scrubbed them both, then draped them on the branches to dry in the sun. A few steps upstream the waterway curved around a shoal of pebbles that reached out into it. Auntie loved to stretch out there, basking under the blazing African sun. She laid down, patient as always, waiting for me to play myself tired.

  I had swum near the far bank when I heard a somewhat familiar pud, pud, pud creeping slowly closer, slowly louder, from downstream. Before I could even see the boat, Auntie Nyaka was shouting and waving frantically. I looked to her as she stood totally naked on the shoal gesturing for me to get away, but her hysterics were confusing. With my head peeking above the water’s surface, I turned back to the pud, pud, pud, which was becoming louder, slowly exposing the source as it inched around the curve of the river. Auntie’s alarm gradually began to register, and I paddled myself close to the far shore until my feet took purchase on the muddy bottom. Crouching in the water among the overhanging branches I watched both the opposite shore—where a panicked Auntie Nyaka wrapped herself in her bolt—and the boat, now fully in view as it pudded upstream toward us.

  The craft’s large flat deck carried four men, one of whom controlled the motor at the back. The other three stood at the front, signaling the man in the back toward Auntie Nyaka’s shoal. The pud, pud, pud quickened, becoming louder, the gap between Auntie and the boat closing faster and faster. She glanced my way, making sure that I was well concealed. The motor cut, leaving the sounds of four men shouting over one another in a language I was unfamiliar with as the front of the flat deck slid onto the pebbled shoal.

  Auntie Nyaka defiantly maintained her position on the bank and spoke to them in the dialect of our village. When they didn’t answer she repeated in Kinyarwanda, and when they seemed not to understand that she switched to Swahili.

  “We have nothing here for you. Please continue your voyage in peace, health, and happiness.”

  “We’ve been looking for the fruit of the jungle,” one of them responded in Swahili. “I think we have found it.”

  “Please, please continue your journey,” Auntie Nyaka said, slowly backing away.

  Ignoring her plea, they leapt from the boat, one of them grabbing her around the waist from behind. But before he could cover her mouth with his other hand she let out a piercing scream. A second man, a fat one, pointed a pistol into the air and fired it. The suddenness of the sound stunned me. I watched the first man hold Auntie tightly as another roughly slashed open her bolt. Suddenly her nakedness, which had never before seemed anything but calm beauty, became a shameful exposure. She struggled futilely against the grip of the slick black muscles wrapped around her, managing only a few loud shrieks before one of the men, using a section of her own clothing, stuffed her mouth. Auntie was no match for the four men as she was thrown down and pounced upon. One held her arms, pinning her shoulders to the ground. The fat one, the one with the gun, laid it aside and knelt over her. He o
pened his pants and prodded, forcing himself on her. I had seen Auntie Nyaka take Uncle Dzigbote inside her many times before. In the single room of our mud hut there was scant opportunity for privacy, not that privacy was called for in the loving environment of our little home. When Uncle Dzigbote came to Auntie strong and hard the two of them were gentle and quiet together. Hardly ever speaking, they caressed each other, covered each other with kisses, and when finished, held each other tightly. Then they would welcome me between them, and the three of us often fell asleep like this.

  But now Auntie Nyaka struggled to keep this stranger away from her. She fought hard as the others beat her about her head until she gave in and collapsed limp, allowing the brute to thrust into her. I could not remain quiet witness to the violence, and I shouted at the men, swimming toward them as quickly as I could. The surprise of a child appearing in the water and yelling at them was acknowledged with mere glances and laughs. The one on top of Auntie paid me no heed whatsoever as he grunted and panted his brutal business.

  I planned to jump on his back and make him stop. I just needed to get there. I felt my toes in the mud. My feet grabbed. I shouted and cried, hauling my small body out of the water to save Auntie. But before I could rescue her, Uncle Dzigbote was running down the bank, slipping in the mud, not bothering with the pounded steps. His appearance startled the four men as much as it surprised me. Their hesitation allowed him the moment he needed to grab the collar of the one facedown on Auntie. Ripping him backward with one massive pull, the man landed sprawling on the shoal. Uncle Dzigbote was bigger and stronger than any of the strangers. I kept coming forward to help him. I wanted to be able to hurt these men that had hurt Auntie. But without even seeing it coming, I was scooped up in the arm of the fat one who had fired the pistol. The pistol was now in his right hand, with me wrapped into his left arm. For a long moment no one moved. The other three men stood still. Auntie Nyaka, still restrained, sobbed. Uncle Dzigbote did not move. He looked into my eyes and I stared back, imploring his might and his help. He was so close to me we could almost have touched if we would have both stretched out our arms. I did reach out to him, willing him to stretch toward me, but at that very moment the pistol was raised by an extended arm. It reached level with Uncle Dzigbote’s face, a foot or two away. His eyes were still tethered to mine, so neither of us saw the trigger being pulled.

  The sound was so loud that my eyes squeezed shut, losing my bond with Uncle Dzigbote. A warm sticky wetness covered my face and seeped into my eyes as they reopened, stinging them. The hulk of Uncle Dzigbote staggered backward and toppled over on his heels. I looked to Auntie Nyaka, still held by one of the men. I think she was screaming from within the muffle of her gag. The men shouted to each other, but I heard nothing, save the loud ringing in my head.

  I kicked and pounded the brute who held me until another of the men stuffed my mouth with cloth and tied me to the deck of the boat with a length of rope. From there I watched the men roll the lifeless body of Uncle Dzigbote into the river where it casually disappeared into the silty brown water. I searched the path and the jungle for help and it was there—I saw them, the men of our village, concealed along the upper bank, too frightened to act. I looked away as each of the strangers took a turn with Auntie Nyaka.

  I saw my second killing when they were finished with Auntie Nyaka.

  Stephanie

  Now, after so many years and so many deaths, I ought to be immunized against them, hardened to them, but this one is unlike any I have faced before. Nothing, nothing, can prepare one for the death of one’s only child. We saw the counselors, the same counselors I have sent so many of my own patients’ families to see. We listened to their advice, tried to do everything they recommended. I have to believe it made a difference for our little Steph. Surely it helped her. Please let it have helped her. But everything that we did, and tried to do, seems insubstantial when measured against her challenge. There was so little we could really do, so very little.

  This shouldn’t have surprised me. I’ve had young patients die. Not a lot, but a few. I know everything the counselors say to parents; I’ve said it all myself. Now, when I really think about it, it’s a lot of clinical gibberish. There’s nothing in this advice that truly helps a parent convey their love to a dying daughter or makes the loss any less painful. There’s a lot of advice about how to “manage” the child, how to make things easier, maybe less confusing, perhaps make them a little less afraid of their own death. I hope this helped Steph … somehow.

  “I’m exhausted, Freddie. I feel emptied out, empty of everything.” Anna is lying beside me on the twin bed in Stephanie’s room. We’re not cuddled together or holding each other. We’re both just lying there on our backs, each of us too exhausted to clasp the other. I know exactly how she is feeling. There is nothing left inside me, either. I think even my soul has left me, I feel so empty. I want to be strong for Anna, but I just don’t have the energy. A knight of a husband would muster a rally and say the right thing. But I am no knight.

  The best I can manage is a lame, “I know, Anna, I know.” I feel tears running down both sides of my face and I’m not sure whether they are for Anna, for Stephanie, or for my own pathetic self.

  It’s our first day home after driving back from Anna’s parents’ place in the Springs. We lingered there for two days after Stephanie’s burial in the cemetery on the family farm. Her mom was busy cooking and sent back enough food to stock the refrigerator for several days. Her dad said he’d drive us home to Boulder, but we needed some time alone and refused the kind offer. They’re both amazing. They’ve been real troupers, because this was their loss, too. Stephanie was special to them. It was evident whenever they were with her. They were ten years younger around her; she energized them. They’ve done so much to help us over the last few days and weeks. But they have to get back to their own lives, do their grieving alone, as do Anna and I.

  It’s now exactly one week since Stephanie let out a tiny hollow breath and just never took in another one—not even eight months since we first thought something might be wrong, seven since the confirmed diagnosis.

  Steph had carried a note home from her fourth-grade gym teacher but forgot to give it to us for two days, until Anna found it while packing her lunch. Nothing alarming, she seemed to have been wheezing. Perhaps we should have her checked for asthma. I knew she didn’t have asthma. That evening I called Steph into my study. Even as my young lady of nine, I didn’t need to invite her up onto my lap. It was her first choice of a seat whenever we were together.

  “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

  “What are you sorry for, sweets?”

  “I didn’t give Mom the note from Miss Newlin. Am I in trouble?”

  “No, you’re not in trouble, but you know you have to try harder to remember these things.”

  “But am I in trouble from Miss Newlin?”

  “Not at all … she wants me to take a listen to you.” She had her pajamas on, and I stretched the front collar down with my stethoscope and placed it on her upper chest, one side and then the other. Not the perfect smooth sound of air exchanging that I’d have liked, but not bad. “Turn a bit, honey, and let Daddy listen to your back.” I reached up under her pajamas and listened again from the back of her ribs, on both sides. Certainly not a wheezing. Perhaps she had a touch of a cold a few days ago.

  “Am I okay?”

  I bounced her and tickled her ribs as I’d been doing all her life. “You’re perfect … you’re my perfect little princess.”

  And she was perfect to me, to both of us. Her soft, caramel skin, a blend of Anna’s pale white and my own deep African black, was totally unblemished. She wasn’t old enough to have been scarred by even a pimple yet. Her rounded little nose was very like her mother’s, not brutishly flat like mine. Her eyes were bright and wide, like her mother’s, but obsidian black, like mine rather than the blue of Anna’s. She often fretted over the trou
ble her rag-doll hair gave her, but to both Anna and I it was worth all the time it took. Never an Afro, difficult to straighten, it was her most distinguishing feature.

  Could any other child have been so easy to love? If she ever gave us grief it was so minuscule that I can’t remember it. I stood up, lifting her from my lap to my arms, and then up over my shoulder, tapping her bum and tickling the back of her leg behind the knee until her laughter took her breath away. That was when I noticed the huffing. I didn’t need a stethoscope to know that something wasn’t quite right.

  A routine X-ray is no longer routine when it is done on your own child. You’re no longer a physician ordering it, you’re a parent dreading it. And all the clinical composure from years of reading and interpreting CT reports doesn’t do a damn bit of good when you have to explain them to your own wife. I know too much about this stuff. I can’t not panic. Like every parent, I’m sure there is a mistake, a mix-up with reports, something wrong at the lab. Even my clinical side says there might be a mistake. Type III pleuropulmonary blastoma is rare in children over the age of five. Rare, but not unheard of.

  As much as we’d like it to be, I know the biopsy isn’t wrong. When things move on to MRIs and then the tissue biopsies, I’m out of my league. Colleagues, experts in the field, completely relegate me to being another frightened parent. Metastasized malignancies show up in the brain. They are extremely invasive and inoperable. I must have learned this in med school.

  I learned it all over again.

  By this point Anna and I had both slowed down our practices. We wanted to spend as much time as possible by our little angel’s side while she bravely faced the regimen of treatments for the cancer that had taken hold. I saw no patients after lunch, and Anna reduced her workload so that she could manage it during the afternoons. She could do most of her work from home. Anna is a partner in a small local law firm, Tierney, Thomas, and May, which specializes in immigration law. They were as understanding and supportive of us during this period as the partners at my own downtown clinic. We adapted into the routine of getting up around five. I scheduled patients early, went to my clinic first thing, and arrived at the hospital during the lunch hour. Anna arrived there before breakfast, sometimes before Steph was even awake, and left for a few hours when I took over. She’d come back around dinnertime, and neither of us would leave until Steph had fallen asleep; most of the time we sat there quietly for several hours afterward, just watching the gentle heft of the blankets as she slept. For months we never ate a meal at home; it was takeout at Steph’s bedside for us and a hospital tray for her.